Relationships can be hard. They're often messy, frustrating, and sometimes even volatile. You won't find one perfect family out there. In every family there are conflicts that run the gamut between periods of silence at the very least, through passive-aggressive banter, cold shoulders, to rifts and all out blowups.
There's always one aunt who isn't talking to that cousin because she overheard his wife call her fat, or a mother who refuses to accept the fact that her daughter-in-law really can manage a household without her input. There's a brother whose lack of career motivation frustrates his ladder climbing siblings and a divorced grandfather who moved away and nobody seems to even acknowledge is even still alive.
Besides all of that, there are the daily battles waging between husbands and wives, parents and children, siblings...then we're supposed to duplicate all this "relating" at church with our church family too?
Actually, Jesus teaches us not to even think about church unless we've dealt with the relationship problems in our lives. Specifically, when we know that it's us who's in the wrong. Matthew 5:23 & 24 says "if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift." Be reconciled - apologize. Make it right. Do your part to heal that relationship before you even come to worship. Since we're supposed to come to the altar regularly, this means we should be performing regular relationship maintenance as well.
Sometimes you're not in the wrong though. Sometimes you have a good reason to be angry. Depending on the nature of the relationship, you may find it very difficult to forgive them at all. Personally, I struggle most with the egregious repeat offenders in my life. The people who make me actually do the math; what is seventy times seven, anyway? Yep - I can be done now. Jesus talks about that too. Same spot, verse 22, "I tell you, everyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgement." Before I enter into worship I have a responsibility to clear that anger - to let it go, release it, forgive the offense. If I don't, then my offering, whether it be my tithe or my service or my worship, won't be pleasing to God.
God is more concerned with the state of your heart, and your relationships, than He is with your giving. He designed you to be a social being, reliant upon others, contributing to a community, and any breakdowns in relationships are harmful not only to the community or family, but also to your health.
Jesus takes this idea of protecting relationships even farther in verse 23 when he warns against name calling. What is the bully's favorite weapon? Words. Every bully who gets physically abusive starts out with verbal taunts and jabs. It's the same whether you're talking about first graders on the bus, a husband on the edge, or an insecure boss. Verbal abuse is loosely defined and generally tolerated. Jesus' definition of verbal abuse is quite strict. "whoever says to his brother, 'Fool!' will be subject to the Sanhedrin. But whoever says, 'You moron!' will be subject to hellfire." What? Think of all the words we use that are similar - airhead, idiot, stupid, dummy - and that's just the lower level word-daggers we have in our modern day arsenals. He said hellfire. I've had to take myself back to the foot of the cross more than once about this issue. My mouth is my biggest liability. Yours probably is too.
Jesus knew that words carry weight, they impact us, they stick with us, they affect our thinking. Of course He would understand that - He is THE Word. John 1:1 & 14 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The Word became flesh and took up residence among us."
The very beginning of this little section of Matthew 5 is verse 21 where Jesus reminds the crowds about the sixth commandment with which they would have been very familiar. "You have heard that it was said to our ancestors, Do not murder, and whoever murders will be subject to judgement." Most sane and rational people can say check, I got that one covered. Not gonna kill anybody. But since we looked at this passage backwards, we already know that Jesus was setting his listeners up for some shocking expansions on that three word nugget from Exodus 26:13.
I wonder how many men who were standing on the edges of the crowd with their arms folded smugly heard Jesus' words and muttered "nutjob!" under their breath and left in a huff.
The point was and is, that murder begins in the heart. If we tear one another apart with our words and our thoughts, we are guilty of murder. If we harbor anger, grudges and feuds, we are guilty of murder. If we are unwilling to apologize and beg forgiveness, we are guilty of murder (murdering the relationship). If we are unwilling to pay restitution or prevent lawsuits (verses 25 & 26) we are guilty of murder (murdering our reputation, and the reputation of Christ)
Repentance and forgiveness is the only answer. Today, it's time to admit where you have crossed these lines, GO do all you can to make things right and restore your relationships, and repent to the Lord.
If you need a little push to get you going, flip to Matthew 6:14 & 15 - "for if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don't forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing." That "if you don't" part - that's your push.
There will undoubtably be people who refuse to allow you to repair your relationship with them. They may refuse to forgive you. They may unleash a whole new level of abuse on you for telling them you forgive them for something they won't take responsibility for. That's ok. At that point, it is not your problem. You don't have to beat yourself up if restoration is not possible. Just let them know that your door is open, and then keep it open. Pray for them. You never know what God will do.
You may be having to forgive someone who has died, or maybe the person you wronged is the one who has passed on. Let Jesus be the substitute for that person - just as He was our substitute when He paid the price for our sin, and pour out your heart to Him.
For those repeat offenders, I've found that there is wisdom in maintaining a guarded relationship. I have to keep myself from sinning by getting so jaded with "forgiving" that it becomes it's own form of bitterness. Abusive relationships are unhealthy, and it's ok to remove yourself from them. Sometimes, restoration is something we hope for, we leave room for, but every relationship takes work on both sides. Personally, I have seen God do amazing things in this area. I quietly distanced myself from an abusive relationship with a family member, and turned the situation over to God. It was painful to let go, and as years went by and this person didn't change, I was tempted to write him off for good. But God was faithful, and after ten years, our relationship is not only restored, but he is a whole new man and he treats me and my husband and kids better than I could have ever expected. God cares about relationships.
Remember our 1000 Year Plan? What will endure? What do we get to take with us from this life? What is eternal, and therefore vital to the Kingdom?
Our relationships. With each other. With the Lord. Relationships. That's it, that's all we get to keep, that's all that matters. If we are going to focus on developing our 1000 Year Plan, we've got to care about relationships as much as God does. Protect them. Nurture them. Fight for them.
If I was focused on a 5 year or even 10 year plan, I'd have missed out on my restored relationship. Isn't ten years a short time to wait when I'm thinking in thousands? Next time you don't get a thank you card, or your mother-in-law brings up an ancient quarrel, think in thousands, and remember that relationships might be hard now, but that's only because of sin and this fatally flawed world you're breezing through. In less than a blip, not even an ip - it will be over, and all you get to take with you are those hammered out treasures - our relationships.
In the new heaven and the new earth sin won't weigh us down, so why let it weigh you down today? Jesus said "repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near!" Matthew 4:17 - His first spoken words in the New Testament. Repent today, let go of your pride and apologize. Forgive offenses and give out some big hugs.
Resolve to live the Kingdom lifestyle here and now. Picture yourself 1000 years from now, knowing all these things won't even be a vague memory.
